Come As You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life
by Dr Emily Nagoski, Sex Educator
This book starts as it means to go on - with a loud affirmation that yes, you are normal. The message repeated loudly and often throughout is that we all have the same parts, organized differently.
Nagoski’s book is a revelation, fun to read, and will get you talking about the ideas it offers (if you’re not too busy putting them to use).
Nagoski drops statements that are simple and yet startling:
- It’s normal not to want sex you don’t like.
- There are only two sexual experiences the author is willing to call ‘abnormal’: lack of consent and unwanted pain.
- Lubrication is not causation - just because your vagina gets wet doesn’t mean you’re into it, and just because you don’t have vaginal lubrication doesn’t mean you are not aroused.
- You can have ‘amazing’ sexual chemistry with someone who is not good for you and it’s not about hormones. And that doesn’t mean you are destined to only have good sex in turbulent relationships, or that you can only have safe and loving partners if you resign yourself to boring sex.
- The sex we crave often isn’t sex that feels good. It’s sex that feels like relief because it eases fear and is an attempt to feel close to someone and prove that we’re loved, but don’t mistake relief for pleasure. There can be a difference between wanting and liking.
- Allowing yourself to be where you are opens the door to where you want to go. When you notice disagreement between your experience and your expectations of what you ‘should’ be experiencing, always assume your experience is right.
Nagoski effectively uses analogy to explain how human sexuality works in all it’s glorious diversity. We are a multitude of gardens in a whole range of environments that need different conditions to flourish. We each have custom-made dual controls of sexual brakes and accelerators that operate in unique ways. We learn what images, behaviours, settings, and experiences are sex-related like we learn what a restaurant is. Knowing ‘this is a restaurant’ says nothing about our desire to have a meal there, if the food is good, or if we’re hungry.
Worksheets are provided to help identify how your individual sexuality works. How does your garden grow, what does it need? More of this, less of that, something else in a particular way? Identifying what these things are specifically for you helps to figure out actions you can take to increase your satisfaction with sex. The answer to sexual satisfaction is not a right or wrong, or a one-size-fits-all approach because…
…we all have the same parts, organized differently.
Difficulty with desire or reaching orgasm may be more about too much brake (what turns you off) rather than lack of accelerator (what turns you on). Nagoski shares that the strongest predictor of sexual problems is sensitive brakes, regardless of the accelerator. Her advice is pay attention to what is hitting the brakes because once those are off the accelerator will take over.
Continuing the car analogy, it turns out sex is not a drive that can be low, average or high. It’s not a drive at all, it’s an incentive motivation system. While hunger is a drive that is vital to our survival, the incentive to have sex is about motivating us to thrive. Sex is about pleasure and thriving, not need and survival.
We’re told by the culture we live in that spontaneous desire, which happens in anticipation of sexual pleasure is ‘normal’, while responsive desire that turns up only after sexy things are happening is ‘dysfunctional’ or ‘low sex drive’. Not true! Both are healthy, normal and just another example that (say it with me)…
…we all have the same parts, organized differently.
Come As You Are explains just how much context matters when it comes (ahem) to sex. The state of our relationships. What we learned growing up and in relationships about safety and what it looks like. The setting in which we’re having sex. Life stress we are experiencing. The state of our mental and physical health. Messages we receive from society about what is beautiful, who is allowed or supposed to want and have sex and in what ways.
Nagoski ends by writing
‘let this book be a mirror: when you look up, see yourself. And you are beautiful…Trust your body. Listen to the small quiet voice inside you that says “yes more” or “no stop”. Listen especially when that voice is saying both at once. When that happens, be compassionate with yourself. Go slow.’